So this morning started off with unusually not the best nights sleep in the world, I think I overdid the air conditioning and it was fucking freezing. I put the towels down then went for a banana, they didn’t have any. Balls, had a black coffee at the Rosebud. Went back to bed, had a hell of a hard on, Jamie kept moaning when I went to blow on his tits so ended up tossing off into a towel in the bathroom, I then made the bad mistake of using it to dry my face with later.

We went to the pool. I actually made a bloody good effort with the ‘air-law’ book. I got through a good bulk of it and it is starting to sink in, but it’s still bloody hard going. We had lunch, my seventh pizza of the week. Back to the sunbed. We stayed there until about six.

Went back to the room, Jamie watched the telly, I read a magazine for a bit then did some packing. It’s all just about over for another year. We went down to dinner, we ended up siiting close to the moaning woman from last night, she spent the whole time moaning at her husband. Apparently he took far too long going to the toilet. Then he got her a fish, she didn’t approve. The service tonight was fairly shit, I had one glass of wine and one glass of water and that was going to be it.

We then went to ‘The Show’ which was the first one we went to this week, had no idea what it was going be as normal for this place, nothing is ever sign posted. It turned out to be ‘Momma Mia’ which complimented ‘Greece’ that we saw last year. Okay, yes, it was a bit of a lip-synced jolly, but it had some very scantilly clad men in lycra. Hell, it was quite enjoyable.

We then ventured to the upstairs bar, where once again we bring this holiday to an end. A few drinks and a few laughs later we were done.

I’ll miss Turkey..again. It’s been fun, it’s the seventh time we’ve been here. I’ve especially enjoyed this one, it was well timed.

I was going to finish off with something very deep and meaningful, but I don’t think it’s appropriate today. I’ll just leave the week with some great memories and great relaxation. Tomorrow I start heading back to the normality of Monday. I’ll go back to staring death in the face, but this time it will be with the attitude of ‘Come on you fucker, I’m waiting for you.’

This morning started off bang on about 9AM again, I didn’t get up until closer to ten though. Had a black coffee at the Rosebud and then picked up a banana and took it back to the room. Jamie was still in his pit. I got changed and then headed out with the GPS. The cache was 3.8Km away. I walked 4. Then due to the fun nature of the coastline I still had another 4 to go. I then hit a highway, the traffic was awful enough up to this point I wasn’t going to chance walking along a mountain road next to a load of traffic being driven by people clamped to mobile phones. I headed back, it was still a pleasant walk. Got changed and went to the pool just in time for lunch. Then spent the afternoon finishing off the last Jeremy Clarkson, it wasn’t one of his best, I think perhaps he’s become somewhat repetitive. Lots more people have turned up today, lots of horrible kids, spoiling our nice quiet spot around the children’s pool. A German man and his wife turned up, deposited themselves on sun loungers then she appeared to release a torrent of abuse at him. He then vanished, and shortly came back with two glasses of champagne. He then kissed his wife, he had the face of a man who had spent a lifetime chiselling the paint off the back of a urinal while someone was still pissing in it.

We actually stayed by the pool until about six, then went back to the room and changed ready for dinner. Tonight was at the ‘Aegean’ restaurant. The food was fine, the service was appalling. There was just no way I was going to get my glass re-filled and when we were served dessert it was obvious we would have to eat it with our hands. Still, the young waiter was as camp as tits and completely clueless. There was a Northern woman in there who did nothing about moan about cheese on her fish. We retired to the room for ‘tiffin’ where I banged Jamie hard over the end of the bed all the time wondering if anyone could see us through the open curtains. There are many tourists on a cruise-ship that may well now be very much enlightened.

So that almost brings us to an end. We have one full day left here. It’s been mixed really, on the one had the hotel was not as good as last time, the safe jammed, we had stuff stolen, the food was mediocre and the entertainment was non-existent. But there is still probably a lot more ‘good’ than ‘average’, so in balance we will probably come back again as we know what to expect. It’s come at a good time, Jamie was in need of a holiday and some inspiration for not becoming a blimp, I was in need of a break basically before I just died. How long I will last when I get back I question, I’ll give it until Christmas before I have some major organ failure or part of brain decides that it’s better off pickled in Pinot. I’m now looking back on these holidays thinking ‘oh they were fun while they lasted’, and looking ahead thinking ‘well if I can get another one in before I die it will be a plus’.

I’m 42 going on 90 going on dead.

So woke up pretty much bang on 9AM yet again. Got up put the towels out like a good German. I then found out the Rosebud bar has a real coffee machine. Beans go in and black myrrh comes out. I had two cups, the woman gave me strange looks, then a man came up and ordered four glasses of champagne, he was alone, it was 9:30 in the morning, she now had bigger issues to contend with. I went to the Spa thing, which has a name I can’t even pronounce yet alone spell, it was something Thai, but didn’t contain sticky rice. I booked an eighty minute massage in ‘happy hour’ so I got a 25% discount. Went to the pool, we settled in a nice secluded spot that was subject to a force nine gale.

It was soon time for my massage. The little Thai woman ushered me into a changing room, I removed everything apart from a very revealing pair of trunks. I then faced down on a couch and got duly pummelled by a small Thai woman over the next eighty minutes. She worked on every body part (apart from that one, well it was happy hour, so you never know) including spending a rather large amount of time on my face, that probably needed the most work. She had a bit of a cold going so it was difficult to know if I was being massaged with fine oils or nose mucus. She did a good job and I waved goodbye to about a quid a minute, it’s something that makes helicopter lessons seem all the more reasonable.

Had lunch, it was only the fifth pizza this week. We retired back to the pool but it got bloody cold with no sun and the wind. So we relocated to the main pool area where we found a patch of sun and two homosexuals, you could spot them a mile off as they hadn’t eaton since they were twelve and the ‘top’ was wearing a pair trunks so tiny that if there would have been a sudden change of wind direction a ball may have escaped. They sat their connected to iPods ignoring each other, a more good looking version of Jamie and I.

We escaped back to the hotel room. Where we lied on the bed for a couple of hours, watched multiple episodes of ‘Family Guy’, something that I’ve never watched before, but now think it’s the most hilarious thing ever invented. Jamie inadvertently tossed me off during a gag about a lazy Susan being built for a bat mobile. I then tousled his hair while ‘used’ spunk was solidifying on my leg, that had to be chipped off later. Had a shower, ate a very modest dinner, actually I think I’m actually eating less here during an evening than I do at home, which is something considering all I eat is bloody salad.

Picked up alternate media devices and retired to the Rosebud bar. There is the worlds worst ‘party’ DJ in the pool bar below, he thinks he’s gods gift to music, he’s now playing Abba, you name a crap hit from the past twenty years and it’s been in his ‘mix’.

So tomorrow I fancy popping out in the morning. I had no success with that other Geocache as it was halfway down a cliff, but there are a few more to try just about two miles away. So I reckon a morning coffee and then a bit of walk. I did have to do a bit of a roadmap Google and see if it was walkable, the other alternatives were getting a Dulmus which is full of poor people and chickens, very similar to using ‘CityLink’ in Bristol, getting a taxi, which is taking your life in your hands as all the taxi drivers have a mobile phone clamped to their ears, or hiring a car, which you don’t want to do as you may come across some of these taxi drivers. Or I could hire a camel, which is probably the most sensible, they are bigger than cars, only need to be refuelled once a month and you can park a camel anywhere (would you argue with one?). Alas, they are walkable, so I’ll give that a blast I think. Mind you the last time I ventured out into the wilds of Turkey I came across a rather confused tortoise and a rather pissed off scorpion, so hopefully this time I will come out unscathed.

Last couple of days. It’s been nice without access to the work forum. I just wonder what chaos awaits me when I’m back.

So I had a weird dream this morning, it was about a car, not my car, but an old friend of mine. She posted yesterday on FaceBook that she had a service light come on. So dutifully this morning I had a two hour dream about how I diagnosed the problem and traced it to a non-existent lithium-ion battery that was next to the main one. This I explained was a ‘common fault’, put a multi-meter on it and showed it was flat. I’m very pleased I’ve managed to provide a very pleasing non-existent service. I’m available for all your vehicular diagnostic needs.

Got up and had a bit of a wander outside the hotel. The man at the gat was very concerned that I wasn’t on a bus and didn’t require a taxi. He kind of pointed out that ‘outside’ there was ‘sod all’, I tried to explain the concept of GeoCaches, but considering it took five minutes to persuade him that he wanted ‘my’ room number and not ‘his’ room number (maybe I was missing a trick there?) I just explained that I was going for a bit of a walk. So GPS in hand I found the location. I realised that I didn’t actually have any maps on the GPS for Turkey, so it was more of a kind of ‘locate the dot’ than any kind of navigation. It was an old church ruin, the only problem was it was down a hell of a steep cliff. In the UK I would have gone for it, knowing that if I tossed it up, one of the fifty air-ambulances that constantly circle Bradley Stoke would be there in a flash. Here in a pair of flip-flops and a vest I feel that if I slipped then a man with a band-aid may turn up in about a week and would want to know where my wallet was before he’d even spit on a piece of cotton wool. I gave it a miss, it was a nice walk anyway. The houses close to the hotel really are very nice, it’s a good area.

I returned to the busy activity of sitting by the pool. Herman the German was in fact Russian, he must have built up all those muscles by working the salt mines. He seemed to disown most of his family, it must be difficult being a teenage boy when all you want to do is read a book about espionage (yes I did translate the title) and listen to shite euro pop (I didn’t need to translate that, I could here it), when your family want to play ‘scrabble’ (how the fuck does that work in Russian?) and go shopping in Bodrum for fake handbags.

Pickfords then moved in. An English couple turned up and decided that the vast number of available sun beds were not in the correct locations. So then spent the next ten minutes dragging the fucking things from one side of the pool to the other. They sat on them, then decided a minutes later that they were not quite at the correct azimuth to the sun, so got up and moved them again. Thirty seconds later they still were not settled, so had one more go. Then finally they got up, packed all their stuff away and disappeared completely, probably in belief that they were in the wrong country and would get a better view of the sun if they were in Greece.

I was getting a bit of a sore bum (inappropriate Speedo’s), so relocated to the bar for a couple of drinks and further studying of ‘air-law’. Basically a small, okay large family of lard turned up (yes they were Russian). They looked through the menu, called the bar man over. The rather rotund lady ordered the stake. Then she ordered another one and said that one wouldn’t be enough, plus a bowl of chips, a large bowl of chips. The food arrived some minutes later, I swear she devoured it in two mouthfuls, without even removing her cigarette. The barman arrived again to remove the plates, the chap sat opposite her, who was half her size, but still as large as a family hatchback, announced that he would like the spaghetti bolognaise… again. The women announced that she wanted four steaks as ‘these are tiny’ and four large bowls of chips. I ordered a large Vodka as this was something to be savoured. It all turned up. She actually piled all four steaks on top one another and ate them as some kind of weird meet sandwich. The chips may have been served in a bucket, she emptied the best part of two bottles of ketchup on them. But it was all fine really, she ordered a diet coke.

I went back to the sun bed. Then we were struck by what can only be described as ‘Kensington syndrome’. Little ‘Arabella’ turned up, with mummy and daddy. She instantly moaned about how awful everything was, why wasn’t there a waiter and if this was Claridges there would be Champagne on ice and someone to gently lick the perspiration off her twat. Her mum looked like she had a Luis Vuitton stuffed full of coke to just get her through the day and poor dad looked like he’d left his soul and sanity back at the point when he wished he wore a condom. She vanished, mum went off with her hand bag and no doubt a straw and dad moved around a few sun beds, knowing no matter where he placed them it wouldn’t be good enough. She returned later in a Bikini, to be honest all those hours spent quaffing frappa-decafe-latte hadn’t done her too bad, she had curves in the right places, her breasts were still defying gravity but then she opened her mouth. “Daddy said if I didn’t date Phillip he’d buy me a new car”. I’m surprised she could tear herself away from her inevitable ‘horsey’. Still, it takes all sorts.

We retired to the hotel room. I fell asleep on the couch, all this hanging around on sun beds doesn’t half take it out of you. We had dinner tonight at the Italian, it really was style over substance, the presentation was fabulous, the food itself was mediocre. The sea bass was within an inch of being welded to the plate.

I’m having terrible bowel problems, eating all this ‘proper’ food is playing havoc with my intestines, I’m backed up worse than the M6.

So we are half way through. Not sure I can cope with any more, I’m missing work, I’m missing stress, I’m missing not going to the gym on a daily basis and running. I’m missing not eating salad. I’m missing not being me.

Okay, so I’ve probably gone through this multiple times, but today I was sat by the kiddies pool, mainly because the amount of kiddies here is pretty much zero. There was one small German child who was stomping around the pool, the mother kept on apologising for the splashing. I went to the bar where I had a very ‘pigeon’ conversation with a Russian, a German and a Pole. We were being served by a Turk. None of us were exactly stunning, we were all over hanging our trunks, wishing we were thirty years younger. The fun thing is, not one of us wanted to declare war on the other, no one turned around and said I need to rule you, I want all your natural resources. The conversation was about the weather and if the vodka had been watered down. This morning at breakfast a German man poured me an orange juice, I had no need to occupy his country. We really don’t need wars. What we really need is all the top brass to spend a couple of weeks at an all inclusive hotel in Turkey. Here they will learn the most valuable lesson of all….tolerance. Here you will find all nations, just getting along. The Germans will pour you an orange juice, the French will open a door, even the Russians may decide that perhaps you were in front of theme for the queue at the bar. Everyone here is an equal, the world should be more like this.

So back to today. I actually woke fairly early. Got the towels on the sun beds. I went down for breakfast, I had some cereal and a banana. Booked the Italian for tomorrow night. The day mainly consisted of studying air law until midday, then reading Jeremy Clarkson until the sun went down.

I must admit, I’v been in a bit of a downer today, I think it’s because it’s kind of hump day, so hormones are raging. Bring on tomorrow.

Okay, so this morning was a bit of a mess. I’m happy to say it was “Just one of those things”. I phoned reception about the safe, it was still firmly shut. What followed was basically two hours of small Turkish men appearing with various tools. They were all good as gold, none of them could speak any English, so I kept being put on a phone to reception for translation. After an hour I was on the phone, “Sorry, your safe is very hard to open, they have to drill it”. A man turned up with a bloody great battery drill and a selection of batteries. Give him credit, he drilled it in exactly the correct place and a few moments later the innerds were retrived. Which is a good job too, as this included the passports and the boarding passes. After another hour of faffing about the little man decided the entire thing was completly fucked and unbolted it and replaced it with an entirely new safe. By this time I’d already been visited by the man to restock the mini bar and the house keeping lady to make the bed. So half the day had gone already, I’d only done one black coffee and it was time to meet the holiday rep. Thankfully it was the same guy we saw last year, I’m glad we leave such a lasting impression. He said immeadiatley that we were not going on any excursions and that he wouldn’t waste any more of my time. I went back to the pool. I was very good, I didn’t touch any alcohol until midday, by this time it was midday, so I made up for it. We had lunch. It was pizza. I spent the afternoon reading Jeremy Clarkson, I must admit he certainly isn’t everyones cup of tea, but he had me laughing very much out loud. I had a few more beers and a few more coffees. I even had a snooze, under the sun, it was blissful. We were planning on calling it a day at five, but it was gone six by the time we ventured back to the hotel room. Okay, this time we do not have a jacuzzi overlooking the ocean, but it’s still a bloody nice room. We had a bath, and it’s a bath you could get an entire football team in, read some magazines. We then ventured back to the enourmous bed. Now, lets be fucking crude. Jamie has lost a lot of weight recently, so he straddled me and rode me like a pony, I then stuck him on all fours and ploughed him like a field. It was good. We then went down to dinner. I was quite good, had some duck and some chicken, I don’t see why I should stuff myself, it was all about quality, I enjoyed what I had. We skipped the show, I think tonight it was “The little mermaid”, instead we went to the lobby bar, played some games and had a few cocktails. It’s a beautiful night in Turkey, I’m for once at peace with the world, I have no desire to die, I’m quite content, this week at least, I’m happy to be alive.

Okay, first apologies for this entry being rather late. Also I remember now that the spell checker doesn’t work properly on the iPad, so you have the additional chure of decoding my ramblings.

So yesterday started off early, bloody early to be precise. About 3.30AM. So we got up bright and cheerful, dressed, then got in the car. At this point Jamie informed me that he’d forgotton his razor, it’s not like I’d kiss him anyway as he’s hardly a looker, but still, couldn’t handle that, so quick scramble to get razor and off we went. The sat-nav decided to send me round the longest way possible to get to the M32, the rest of the journey was uneventful. Why was I using a sat-nav? How well do your senses work at 4AM? Check-in was painless, if slightly long, the queue extended around the airport about twice, it moved fairly quickly though. Not much to say about the flight, which I think is a good thing. After landing, thanks to all the drop offs it took about two hours to get to the hotel.

They remembered us from last year, well at least their computer did, with a fully preprinted check-in card. Welcome cocktails were served. Driven to the room. Okay, it’s not as palacial as last years, we don’t have a jacuzzi overlooking the ocean, but I do have a sea view suite on the top floor, with a bath I could drown half of Bazil in. And I love the shower, I could spend all evening in there, okay, I spent most of it. I put items in the safe, the safe then jammed, that was the last we were going to see of its contents in a while. Man came couldn’t open it. We went to dinner, I had sea bass, with chicken, with sea bass, followed by some chicken, and some rice. We then went to the pool bar and listened to some band who were performing to an audience of about six. They were pretty good actually. I drank lots of beer.

We returned to the room just before mid-night, the safe still being firmly locked. We drifted off to sleep very quickly, it’s quite nice not breathing in dog hair.

Tomorrow is now actually today, the afternoon is almost upon us, but to find out about that tune into tomorrow, or may be that is today.

So woke up fairly early. Let the dogs out. Then procrastinated a lot before breakfast. I then read the paper. Phoned mother, didn’t want to kill her afterwards, so that’s a plus. Got up. Hung up the washing. Then descaled the coffee machine and the water boiler. Finally had lunch then walked Sasha. Packed the dogs into the car and drove to the kennels. Dogs very eager to get in, went straight in the hut. I was then asked when I’d booked them in. It turns out that they weren’t in the book. It was fine providing I could pick them up Friday, after that he was full. I then got very stressed and had a bit of an existential crises. He had them in his book, but for three days at the end of September. Eventually as I was a good customer the dogs stayed. I came back and looked through the emails. Found where I’d booked them in…for next week. Strange that he hadn’t got that week booked either. I’d normally confirm a few weeks before, but completely forgot.

Went for a run. Came back, weighed myself, I’d broken the ten stone barrier so mission accomplished. Had a shower, then packed. Published new video, which is August update, part two.

So that’s it then. All done. Off to Turkey tomorrow.

There will be no vlogging, no twenty six part YouTube series. But there will probably be some rather amusing FaceBook status updates, plus of course this wonderful blog. Which will no doubt be written heavily under the influence.

Think I slept alright, not quite sure. Okay so today I didn’t try amazingly hard at work, I had quite a few things to finish off and I did them all. Had a lunch break for once, walked the dog. Did a bit of washing and hung it up on the line for once. Went to Pump. That’s it now, just one run tomorrow. Went out this evening for a meal for Megan’s birthday. Got stuck in traffic on the M5, did a diversion, drove round half of Bristol. Then got back on the M5 and gave it another go. Got there in the end. I had spit roasted chicken and some vegetables. Drove home, less exciting. Hung up washing. That’s it then, packing tomorrow and dogs off to kennels.

I think I slept last night, must of, no weird dreams anyway. Was slightly disappointed that the scales were at 10:01.8. So that’s two days to go for the last pound and a bit. Cracked straight on with work, bit of a mixed day on that. Spent a lot of it building data and then more tracing bugs. So nothing new really written, just looking at rather a lot of dull stuff. Managed to finish editing the second part of the last video, that’s now upload, I’ll make it live tomorrow. Walked Sasha. Did everything a bit backwards this evening, went for a run, then had a shower. Then headed to the gym for a weights session with Laverne. Came back and ate. So that’s it now, Pump tomorrow and probably one more run on Saturday. Did all the shopping list. So one more work day tomorrow, then out in the evening.