First we must thank Jesus Christ for dying this time of year and giving us not just one, but two bank holidays.

Also I think it would be nice to give some thought to those that are not with us today, not because they have passed or they are ill, but because we don’t like them.

I would like to do a juxtaposition. First we have Jesus Christ, 33, a carpenter from Galilee. He had a bit of a penchant for leading the Jews and dabbling in politics. Then we have Charmaine, 33, a call centre worker from Essex. She has a bit of a penchant for drinking Lambrini and dabbling in shopping channels.

Jesus was persecuted by Pontius Pilate for proclaiming to be the ‘king of the Jews’. Charmaine was persecuted by her mate Chardonnay for wearing last weeks fake tan colour.

He dragged his own cross through Jerusalem. She was dragged out from her Mercedes C class, across the shopping centre car park

He had soiled bandages covering his arms. She dipped her arm into her Kipling handbag (the one with the monkey on it) and removed a Nina Leonard V-neck knit Kaftan. She shouted out, “Ha, fuck you, today I die, but it only arrived yesterday and I got it on four easy-pay”.

Jesus was hoisted up onto the cross which was dug into the sand. Charmaine was hoisted up onto the cross which was lashed to a sign advertising cut price decking at B&Q.

We know what happened to Jesus….

Charmaine’s blood dripped down on to her Kin & Co. bolero. The sweat reached the end of her fingers, she watched as it slowly wore off the nail varnish. She thought to herself that what she really needed right now was a Leighton Denny 14 piece expert manicure collection to perk them up a bit.

She felt the life drain from her as the sun set over the top of the ‘Blue Water Shopping Centre’. As Charmaine tried to reach down into the back of her white stiletto, she had one last dying wish. She’d strapped her iPhone 5c to the back of her 9 inch heel and what she really needed to do now, was to take a selfie.

With her last dying gasps she shouted out, “Today I die.”, “But tomorrow I will be resurrected.”, “Probably in the changing rooms of Selfridges.” “But tomorrow, will become today, which means at midnight, there will be a new ‘Today’s special value'”.

And with that she passes away. A security guard drives passed and looks up at the cross and shouts, “That’s all I need, another Essex bird who thinks she’s fucking Jesus”.