I’ve moved the test PC to the office from the lounge, mainly as I want the lounge for watching telly and chilling not experimenting with Ubuntu servers. Also, there are usually several points in my work day where my work PC won’t even except text, so having something to twiddle with is useful.

So I now have latest version of Ubuntu LTS setup on it, and I’ve slowly been restoring my old server config. It’s now at a point where mySQL all works and WordPress fires up. What I did find though was clicking on any links caused 404 errors. Now I found out I had to edit several things in the sql database so it did the links differently, otherwise the DNS would be wrong and the server currently has no net connection, its just connected to a dummy router and an old laptop. I edited several things so instead of a name, its using an internal IP. This was now generating the correct lookups but was still failing with 404’s. So after much Googling I found that you have to explicitly enable mod_write on Apache2. After I did this everything magically started working. I’m now debating how much of the other stuff I had to edit in the first place.

The plan is to get the server up and running standalone with everything working. If I can do this in the next couple of months I then hope to upgrade the actual server over Easter. I’m making very careful notes every step of the way. Once this one is working (as in web server and mail), I’ll delete it down again and do it once more to make sure all my notes are correct.

It will be an interesting journey. After all this is why this blog exists in the first place, it always was setup as a challenge to setup and configure a Ubuntu server. Never did I envisage back in 2012 that I would be sat here in 2020 thinking, ‘I really must upgrade the kernel’. Hopefully if I make decent notes this time, I won’t be in the same position in eight years time….

So back to work today, joy. But I’ve now got a name for my new business, I just have around eight years to get it gently off the ground.

Spent the evening in Ubuntu land again. Getting closer, managed to restore and upgrade the mysql database and word press actually managed to link to it. Php admin also seems to work. There are a number of issues though, SSL isn’t working, links don’t appear to be working, although the data is there. And more alarming, on the current server if you connect via https then none of the links work, so something has been buggered there for about ten years. So lots to fix, lots to work on and therefore lots to learn. At least now I’m making constant notes of every step that works, and crossing out all the ones that don’t. It will be an interesting journey, one which I’m sure will take me a few months of Monday evenings yet.

So it’s probably been ten years since I’ve dug my skateboard out, but as one of this years challenges is to perfect the ollie, I better get on with it, and so I did. It only took about half an hour to regain my balance and I was zooming across the kitchen, frightening the shit out of the dogs.

Weather was finally dry enough to finish painting the fence, neighbour now happy.

Three-quarters the way through my current course, going well. It was nice to get back to normality and back to the gym. Christmas tree has been defrocked and reduced to just a ‘tree’. I’ll keep it indoors until it gets warmer.

Looking forward to this year, it’s going to be a year of challenges, a year of adventure.

I guess I’m now in a very unique position. I’m able to restart my life from a financially stable point of view and do anything I want. Did I really want this? Well, actually no. It’s been kind of forced upon me, but it is what it is.

The last two and a half years have been pretty much hell, from the depths or depression, to sudden moments of complete euphoria. From constantly wanting to die and the next moment wanting to live. But now, it’s all over. One person who was part of my life for near enough fourteen years I never have to speak to again, it’s all in the past tense. And now there is only the future.

So what have I learnt in the past twelve months? Well, I’m still sexually attractive to twinks, they like to call me daddy, I have no problem with that. I’m creative, no really I am, I started out the year wanting to make just one tune, by the end of the year I actually managed ten. I’ve now started collaborating with my nephew on some new material. I helped my friend achieve her goal of walking twenty-six miles.

So what do I want to achieve this year? Well, more music that’s for sure, wether it’s solo or collaborative I don’t really know, other than I want to write more tunes. I want to build an ‘exit strategy’, not for ending life, but for ending work. I want to retire and do something I want to do. I want to kick off my mixing and mastering services, as I can see this as a job I want to retire into.

I want to drink less. Actually, to be correct, I want to drink less often. Also I need to catch up on a ton of magazines I haven’t read, so hopefully I can combine these two goals.

Relationships? Nah, I think I’m done on that one for the time being. I’m going to remove myself from all the dating sites. If something happens elsewhere, then it happens, but I’m not going hunting in the near future.

I think I have to set myself a couple of physical goals as well. So learn how to do an ollie and pull off a manual. If I manage that without breaking anything, then that indeed will be a minor miracle.

Also I need to update this server to a more modern version of Ubuntu. After all, this was how this was al started.

So I’ve now been on my own again for just over two years. Well, not entirely on my own, I have the two dogs and three (will be two very shortly) lizards. Is it lonely? Well, no not really. If anything I’m busier than ever. I’m out socially three times a week, every week, with great friends who’ve been really there for me. I met them through ‘Pokemon Go’, if it wasn’t for that stupid game I don’t think I’d be here now.

So out three evenings a week, at the gym two evenings, one of them I also do my cleaning. The only time I do get to myself is one evening a week and part of the weekend. So I don’t really exactly have time for any kind of relationship, even if I wanted one, which I’m not entirely sure I do anymore.

I’ve had two one term relationships, last one lasted twelve years. We had a lot of fun, while it lasted, visited a lot of places had some good times. But now Jesus has taken over that one so that’s the end of it.

What do I miss? Oddly not much, that sounds bitter, but really it is true. I miss the companionship sometimes, but I’ve always been a bit of a loner anyway, always enjoyed just doing my own thing. I also don’t miss having to continuously clean up after someone, not have to hunt for stolen remote controls and hidden utensils.

What do I do with my one evening a week? Well, I try and do music things. It’s the first creative hobby I’ve really ever had, and I’m really enjoying it. From mixing and mastering other peoples work to writing my own music, it’s great fun, it’s something I think I now want to progress as a future career.

Basically I have a fun social life, great hobbies and now all the paperwork is settled, no immediate worries. I’ve got sex on tap with Grindr (one for another post). I’ve had two dates, to be honest I just didn’t fancy either of them. It was nice to have a meal eat, or even watch a movie in, but I didn’t feel like I wanted to shack up with them or have any kind of relationship.

I’m on three dating sites, but to be honest I’m just not bothered anymore. I think I’m actually happy where I am, plus its nice having the whole couch to yourself, okay, a third, Dillon the dog likes to spread out….

So back to some form of normality. No more worries, I guess.

So lets think about this. If you have one person who believes in something and then another one, and then a few more, you are then known as a cult. But at what point does it go from being a niece product to being a religion? A hundred people, a thousand, ten thousand? Or is it time based? If you believe something for long enough then it becomes an acceptable religion and also tax deductible.

It’s interesting to see that Christianity is dyeing out in the western world, but they are gaining followers in emerging countries, is this because westerners are becoming wise? If you want to gain power then first you take over the weak.

And lets not forget the branch that think Jesus took a Ryan Air flight to Utah.

I did the Alpha course, surprising may be. Hmmm, need to discuss that in more detail I think.

While I was on holiday a piece of paper turned up. Fairly ordinary looking but contains the signature of a judge. This is the final piece of paperwork. That brings to a close around twenty-seven months of turmoil. One signature.

It took a couple of days to actually settle in. But today, while out walking the dogs, in the rain, the sun finally rose. It’s all over. About 90% of my anxiety suddenly lifted.

If we’d actually waited for two years to be separated we would have only started proceedings about three weeks ago. Thankfully, ‘finding God’, is perfectly good grounds for ‘unreasonable behaviour’. I think I made the right decision at the time and to be honest I don’t think he regrets it either as its allowed us both to eventually move on far quicker. I can’t imagine now waiting almost another year, possibly longer, for due process.

There is still some potentially unfinished business. But for the moment I’ll just let it lie. After all you never know when it’s going to be raining again.

Have you ever thought about it? You must have? It’s going to happen to us all, some of us sooner rather than later. Who’s going to turn up? What friends do you really have? Who is been there from the beginning? Who is only transient?

Deep. Okay, purely a hypothetical, as I’ve left the remaining Zopiclone at home and I’m actually quite enjoying the day. If I popped my clogs in the next five minutes, who would I invite and more importantly who would actually turn up?

Hmm, okay first are some rules. There is still a will somewhere, I think it’s at the bank, I never got round to changing it, lets call that divine insight. I have no dependants. No one to pass anything on to. My mother if she succeeds me (considering she is eighty and looks sixty-five, it’s highly possible), she gets nothing, actually no, give her a subscription to daily Lillie deliveries, she hates the things. Every time they turn up will be a reminder of how I was neglected as a child, so I can not only be bitter to the end, but actually beyond it.

My sister? Nothing. Strange choice? No not at all. She doesn’t need it. Just stick together and you will be absolutely fine, you’ve got through some really tough times and I have every faith (shit I really shouldn’t divulge into any kind of religious context) that everything will turn out well. Just keep doing what you are doing. You can have the Jag if you want, just cruise around like lady muck, but don’t do too many miles on it or it will devalue faster than a B&B on the Syrian border.

My nephews, meh, give them twenty-five grand each (I can’t remember the exact amount as it was inflation linked at the time, so is probably the size of the national debt of a small African country). Now I can just see one of them plotting some psychoacoustic interment in his next ‘trap single’ to bring on some sort of brain embolism, while the other one will just open his phone and send out a drone attack.

The rest? Well I want the dogs to be taken care of. The stipulation being that they must remain together and under no circumstances should they end up with my ex. They will be paid for fully until they cross the rainbow bridge.

Thelma, sadly I think will be gone by the time I get back. Donate Kylie and Jason to a good cause, there must be a girl or boy out there which would love a couple of reptiles with a complete setup for free. Just make sure they have long term commitment.

This entire blog should be interned into a server somewhere. I want it to irritate people for at least the next one hundred years, the same with my Facebook, YouTube and Spotify (TeeJayem).

The rest? Well after disbursements and everything else; my poor sister will of course be taking care of that, feel free to add a service charge at a spa somewhere, after all death can be quite distressing, even if not your own. All to animal charities. Hollyhedge should get a lump sum, mainly as both my dogs came from there, I stopped doing home checks for them as I found some of their criteria to be a dit dubious and didn’t sit overly well with me, but their intentions are indeed sound. Dogs trust, guide dogs etc. A dog may only be a small part of your life but when it looks at you, you are the only part of theirs.

I don’t want any kind of service. People amble in behind a box, sing completely out of key to hymns which mean nothing to me (even if they are in D), and listen to some drivel from a person who’s never met you.

Sidebar: This is one thing that really pisses me off about funerals. You have a ‘celebrant’, who’s sole purpose it is, is to waffle on about how fucking wonderful the person was, yet they work from a script that has been written by a relative and been studied for about four seconds. My grandad’s funeral was typical, the celebrant banged on about his famous ‘ikemo’ (sic) stories, they were fucking ‘Iki-mo’ (sic), that’s something that’s grated still, some twenty-five years later.

Simple box. I’d like a discount negotiated as I’m short. It should be carried into the crematorium with one of my hats on it. What should I wear? Difficult. After all, you are only cremated once, you don’t want to fuck up the outfit. Don’t make me look like a choir boy in some really frilly white fucked up frock, that just isn’t my style. Pick a hoodie and a vest. There will certainly be no shortage of a choice for shoes.

Location? South Bristol crematorium. Why? Simple. It has a view of the bridge. I have that tattooed on my arm for eternity, that’s the way I wish to exit.

The after party? Well I think there should be a grand put behind the bar at the Hollow tree, actually make it two as John will no doubt devour a grands worth of San Miguel before anyone has even turned up. No one is allowed to drink gin or fucking white wine spritzers, take the day off afterwards. Just order three hundred pints of larger…..and crisps. If anyone wants food, it’s up to you to pair up for any ‘two for one offers’. There should be mandatory karaoke. You can only have a drink after you have performed. No one is allowed to sing, ‘Knocking on heavens door’ or anything in F sharp.

Guest list? Hmm, well anyone on Facebook who isn’t marked as an acquaintance, so if you can see a link to this post then it’s party time. I’ll add my mother as well, she will no doubt drive and have a small red wine. She is blocked on my Facebook mainly as she is irritating plus I don’t really want to she her noting my statistics and my Pokemon trait of ‘trying to catch it all’. I still have my doubts about that Cuban, but as my willy hasn’t dropped off and I’m currently not pissing fire I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

My ex. isn’t invited. You pretty much killed me once, I won’t give you the pleasure of having any kind of closure on the act. If there is a God, I will be informing you.

Any final requests? Yes. I don’t want my ashes turned into a diamond, fired into space or injected as a tattoo into the ass of a sumo wrestler. I’d just like a spoonful put into a wine bottle, with a reserve sign posted above it. This should then be used to reserve the table for quiz at the pub. I will be there both in body (although I would have lost considerable weight, if that was even possible), in spirit and for a change, on time.

R.I.P. Me.

So where are we now? (Why have I suddenly gone royal?) Where am I now? I’m forty-seven and single. Is this my own doing? Probably. Am I going to write this entire post in question and answer format? Most likely.

I’m currently sat in the lobby bar in Antalya, Turkey. To my left is a group of English people, basically discussing the joys of social media. In front of me is a German family, I really don’t have any clue about what they are talking about.

I’ve been here a week. That’s probably far too long. Only having you’re own company for that long is probably a very bad thing. It gives you far too much time to think. I’m permanently tired. I’ve drunk far too much, but considering I’ve been drinking pretty much constantly all day, I’ve never been ‘pissed’, okay, except for last night, but that was really the exception.

So what happened? Where did it all go wrong? If I was following the format properly then I would then type the answers, but that is something I sadly do not possess. Four times I’ve been to this hotel, twice now on my own. They do their best here, the entertainment staff always try to be inclusive. The staff in general are all fantastic, they know my favourite tables, food orders and most importantly what drinks I like, and when to deliver them.

What response would you have? Puzzle me this. (I’m sorry if this has more prose context switches than the whole of Ulysses, but please just take it as a brain dump of consciousness).

“Are you content?”

Those were the exact words.

I will never forget them.

I was watching ‘Dickinsons real deal’ with a glass of white. He’d been out all day, coming up to his thirtieth birthday, been acting strange.

It took me back somewhat.

I had to think, I didn’t like doing that on a Tuesday.

Well. Yes, I kind of think I was. And that was the beginning of the end.