Thelma must be at least twenty-five years old. She’s had two vivariums, and lived in two locations. First under the stairs at the old house and now in the corner of the current one. She’s never been one to chat, she’s not really that social. She’s spent all that time devouring crickets and basking on a rock while probably contemplating the works of Nietzsche.

She used to be a fat bitch, and of course lived with Louise. She died years ago, so poor Thelma has lived in isolation ever since. But now, like most old ladies, she’s lost a lot of weight, she isn’t as spritely as she used to be. In an odd turn of fate, she has an infection in her tail, the crickets who she used to eat are now eating her.

I’ve emptied her tank of food, she’s not interested in it anymore. I hand fed her a few crickets but now she’s had enough.

She’s now just basking in the moonlight and taking her final breaths. She’s outlived two relationships and not within any of that time has she found God. Maybe it’s her turn to now.

I’ll miss you Thelma, you were a constant in my life, and now another door has closed.

Why now?

Well it’s been over two years since Jamie moved out, and an additional four months on that where he announced that he wasn’t content and had spoken to God. There will be more about this in the near future.

I think it’s time.

It’s been a very bad two years. There have been tears, deep depression and suicide attempts (don’t try ibuprofen and vodka folks, you wake up with a clear head but with a stomach that feels like it’s swallowed a sewer).

I want to tell my side of the story.

I don’t know where I’m going, how long I’m going to be here or how I’m going to get there.

But one thing is certain.

The bitch is back.

So spent about four hours on Sunday hoovering up dog hair out of the car. I was thinking about getting someone in to do it, then realised, that no one would actually have the dedication required. Four hours to do the drivers seat and the rear behind it. I’ve spent another hour and three-quarters doing the passenger side and rear seats. I’ve also completed all the mats, but think I’ll give them another go over. Next is the parcel shelf and boot. I’m then going to shampoo and clean the inside. Then it’s onto the outside, wonder how many days that will take.

Reason behind it? Well I was looking at getting a new car, but the MOT is due on mine and delivery will not be in time, plus there is also the ‘date’ thing with the registrations. So I’ve decided to get mine through the MOT and keep it until March, it’s not going to devalue much in that time. It’s a good car, I just want to make it pretty again and not smell like a dog basket.

Started today just before nine. Horrible weather. Walked Sasha in the lashing rain, not nice. Had a normal length lunch break. Then finished work on time, actually ended up doing a few minutes over. But shut down and switched off. Drove to the gym as it was still raining. Did Combat. Then spent the evening re-editing ‘Ibiza – Day 1’ video as I had a couple of issues with the upload. That’s all going up now. While it was processing I’ve pretty much done day two as well now. Nice to have an evening to myself not involving work for once. Going to take a sleeping pill and head to bed, no alcohol required for once.

Ran far too much last couple of days. I ached yesterday and still ached when I did another 12km tonight. Tomorrow I will not be running, I’ll be doing Pump instead. That’s after I’ve walked the dog, walked to the gym etc. My weight has gone up slightly, but my body fat has dropped. So turning into a muscle Mary. Well, a week to go. Will be nice to get away. I need to spend some time alone with myself to make a few decisions. (And before anyone jumps to conclusions there’s nothing wrong with Jamie and I, even if we are going on separate holidays!)

Last couple of weeks have been a bit mad. Spent far too long in meetings and conferences. Last one finished today. Thankfully it finished just after lunch so manager to get an early train back. Walked halfway across London first (in the rain). Then walked back from the station. Did work, lots to catch up on. Then did a ten mile run, lots of over eaton food to un-catchup on.

Six working days left and I have about fifty days of work to fill them with. I’s going to be a busy week. By the time I get to take this holiday I’ll either be asleep or dead.

I finally got tired of this laptop locking up when loading web pages. Looked at it’s stats, was last rebooted twenty months a go. I let it do it’s updates for about half hour an restarted. I have no idea what version of Mac Os this is on, probably well old. Also updated Final Cut Pro. Everything is working again now, roll on another twenty months.

Finally gave up trying to email the Hard Rock Hotel, phoned them instead and sorted out what I wanted. Then two hours later received an email response after five days, typical. I still need to research restaurants.

So booked Cafe Mambo in Ibiza. We have a VIP table next to the beach from 6:30PM. We have to consume two hundred Euro worth of food and drink. The day after we are off to the opening party at Ushuaia, that starts at midday and ends at midnight. Bus to Mabo is forty minutes. We’ll get a taxi back. That’s all I’ve booked so far. Need to find some nice restaurants.

Looking forward to it. Now there are two things that will let me down. One is my inability to pee in front of people which makes me almost shit myself from pushing too hard. Which is odd really as I’ll stand in the gym showers and quite happily helicopter my willy to all and sundry. But standing at a urinal with a bladder so full it could have put out the great fire of London and someone being in the same vicinity, I may as well try jumping off a bridge. Mind you I think about that quite a lot as well. I’ve been experimenting with holding my breath, which apparently helps to relax the muscles due to an increase in carbon dioxide. All it’s done so far is make me fall over and almost takeout the dog. The other problem I have is my bladder, did I mention that? It doesn’t seem to contain much, although I have pissed in a measuring jug and it contains the correct amount. I just seem to produce rather a lot of urine when drinking. Which means if I have to get on a bus or anything I’m a bit fucked. Still that’s what water bottles are for, just don’t try and drink it afterwards.

Today was a bit odd. Mainly as I enjoyed it. All of it. That hasn’t happened in a long long time. Started this morning feeling fine, not great, just fine. Had breakfast, sorted out the dogs, had coffee. Had a massive poo, blood on the loo roll, but seems external, I do enjoy scratching my sphincter. Walk to gym, did Combat. Okay, I didn’t put in a massive effort. Walked home. Bought a couple of helicopter related things on the app store. Quickly walked Sasha. Got picked up by my yellow friend (as in Team Instinct, nothing racist here please) Mia. Oddly who’s surname is ‘Man’. Drove to Staverton. We had a lovely flight across the Malvern’s for an hour in almost perfect weather conditions with no wind. Came back home. Took Sasha out again. Met up with Mia again and a few people to knock out a Pokemon gym. Did the accounts and had a bath. Really enjoyed today. No idea why. Just everything seemed ‘nice’. I need more ‘nice’ days.

So the palm problem. I’ve been informed that I need to ‘feed’ it. So thinking that it would probably like something from home I had a dig in the freezer. Found some ‘Caribbean chicken’. It was ‘Weight Watchers’ but I don’t suddenly want it to get fat. So I cooked that up and fed it to the plant. I hope it enjoys it together with its Malibu and coke.